Well the side pains have subsided but now I have a severe cold. It really sucks. My throat really hurts too. Our freaking heater isn't working. Which I think is the main cause of my cold that I have now. A lot of people only have been telling me to get psychatric help. I don't know if that would work even I did go. See my feeling is if you don't believe in something it ain't going to work. Like hypnotism. If you are truely an unbeliever you can't really be hipnotized. What all I need now is to just focus on one thing at time. I seem to do better that way. Multitasking just adds to my problems and makes things much more confusing.

Well now I'm having side pains again. They had been away for some months, but now they are unfortunately back. I can't eat or drink most anything because I just don't feel like eating. My throat feels all clogged up with mucus 24 hours a day. I don't have the money to do anything about it. Someone told me I need to find a rich boyfriend or girlfriend. I was like that would be hard to do since I couldn't get either even if I tried. That stuff just doesn't happen to me and never will. I've already come to terms for the most part about being alone my whole life. Especially since that's the way I've spent most of my life anyways. I don't know how I'm going to bowl on Sunday with all this pain, hopefully it will all go away by then.

Have you ever had those moments when you just wish life would be over. Then everything everyone says validates ever reason possible for letting you life come to and end. Then everything you read even validates it even more. Then you are just looking at the fact that world must want you to die because apparently there is no use for you on this world. One because you have no place and you can't find one that is accepting of your moralistic values, your beliefs in the world, and the way you go about your life. You don't try to help the world and kiss everyone's ass or help people who might need a little help because you've done that before and it just lowered your own value of the world and yourself because of it. So in the end you just look around at the world and observe and say nothing and everyone thinks you are just wasting time and space. You've seen the pain and do not wish to feel it so it makes you a coward. But why do we learn history then. That's the whole point of history is to learn it so we don't repeat it and so we can make better decsions. See I've seen what people done and I've seen their pain and hurt. Let me tell you I've had to listen to it all. The good the bad and the very ugly. People talk my ear off about the relationships and I really don't mind, but then people wonder why I've never really been in one. Not only is it because of the fact I've heard all the details, but it's also to the fact that no one wants me because as I mentioned before the world looks at me as a waste of time and space. Who in there right minds would want a peice of that. I've had my share of pain when it came to just trying to form close relationships. That is how come I have so few relationships with anyone. I've had my heart ripped out and mutilated. People don't even give me a chance. Then my trust became ruined. I trust no one, not my mom, sis, doctor, or anyone. DTA Don't Trust Anybody. Because it only leads to your life being ruined and having the mindset in which I have now. So why should life continue on if in actuallity all you are doing is just being here in this world. You aren't really living you are just here. With no real motivation, or hope left in you. Why doesn't someone just go get the shot gun or other weapon of choice and use it on me? I wish I could trade places with those on the spaceship that crashed today or even anyone who lost their lives on 9-11-01 because many of them had things they were living for to make this world better for them and their families. I have none of this. No real hope for the future. No plans in life. No real family or friends investment. I'm Just a Girl in the world and it's all anyone will let me be. Nothing more or nothing less. I sit and abide by the rules while others break them and get more out life than me. So I shall just sit and wait and hopefully it will end fast.