I think my heart has totally been ripped to shreds. I try to be nice and kind to people and all they do is rip me down. They either lie to me, call me names, or give me confusing statements that make no sense and tell me never to talk to them ever again. I just really can't handle it. It seems like all my life I've been called names made fun of but I've never had my head put through a grinder along with my feelings and heart like it has been lately. I try to understand people and I'm a good listener but no one seems to want to say anything. Then I get ripped to peices for I guess saying too much. I was taught to be honest with people and to not bottle things up because if you do the very bad temper you have will eat you up from the inside out. Which now is occuring because I just don't get people and it's eating me a life. I wish people would understand. I wish this world was a happy place and everyone is happy, but I know that is an impossibilty. Don't know why people think I think everyone should be happy. I don't think everyone should be happy because my life has been gloomy ever since my dad died. I don't understand why people think I should be happy or that I am happy I'm not. Yeah I know I get to do a lot of cool things and I have lots of opportunity but is that suppose to make me happy. Some people are just not cut out for what they have or get.

Maybe one day I'll be happy, but that is very doubtful. If people only knew my whole life story maybe they'd understand. Getting all the lucky charms doesn't neccesarily make you happy person. The only thing I ever wanted I once had, but then for some reason or another it ended. Looking back I think I'm the one who blew it, or maybe we both blew it. You are probably wondering what the hell I'm talking about. Well back in high school when I was a sophmore I met this amazingly interesting freshmen. Who seemingly didn't know at the time that No Doubt had more albums then Tragic Kingdom, this was in 97. She over heard my conversation about No Doubt and seemed really interested about what I had to say. Funny thing is when we split up during track for our particular events she was shot put/ disc thrower too. So we ended up teaming up for warm ups and talked totally about No Doubt. It was cool. I had finally found someone to talk to about No Doubt, since most people I knew just could less a damn about them.

Well not only did we just talk No Doubt, but we also talked about other music. I had finally found a music buddy, unfortunately she couldn't go to concerts due to her mom being very anal. But through the end of my sophmore year and the various track meets we became the best of friends. Then during that summer we became like best buds. I was finally really happy. I had found someone who not only liked the same music, but also would talk with me and actually listened to me and cared about what I was talking about. She never put me down she just listened. She was the only person who ever would just sit there and listen to what I had to say and actually care about. No one ever before in my life had ever done that for me. She didn't open up to me as much as I did to her, but I think she opened up a little. We hung out with each other almost all the time. We went to the mall like every day after school, we liked basically all the same stuff, it was really quite cool. She was also very supportive of all the dreams and aspirations I had and I was of her too.

Then near the end of my Junior year things started to change. She had gotten a boyfriend and I was boyfriendless like usual. She started getting gothier, I started becoming very no doubtless. We hung out every now and then during the summer but not as much as before. Then fall of my Senior year something happened, she bailed on me for this hockey game gathering I was having and I got made cause my mom had already bought the tickets and I yelled at her. From that moment on she stopped talking to me and started to really change. Maybe there was something I didn't know, but all she had to do was tell me and I would have understood. All the days after that I was all alone. Friendless and very empty. I had no one to talk to about my problems and fears. My dreams had all started to slip away after that had happened. Most of my dreams were centered around always being friends with her and moving out to Cali and finding us some rockstar boyfriends and just doing shit we loved to do. Her doing her art stuff and me just doing something with music.

I talked to her once after that happened on her graduation day and said are we still on for Cali, because I don't break my promises. She said we'll see. She seem to not be angry with me anymore, but I don't think everything was healed. I regret getting mad at her and having that outbreak, but she had changed, and I guess I'm like the only one in the world that never really seems to change.

Then when I heard about Jon dying I knew she was probably really upset since they hadn't gotten to be close friends especially in their last year of High School. Heck I was upset too. Jon was a good kid, granted he was rather annoying at times, but a lot of people are. He also seem to like to listen to people also. Maybe that's what she needed and why they became so close. When I went to the visitation I thought I might see her there, but that wasn't why I went. I went because I hadn't seen Jon in like 2 years and wanted him to know that even though I didn't keep in touch he was still good person and was and had been on my mind. I couldn't go the actually funeral because I had to go to my grandma's because I hadn't seen her in 6 months because of college. So When I was at the visitation and I saw the pictures and his artwork it all got to me. I got so upset I didn't think it would be a good idea to drive so I took a little time to just cool down for a while. At that moment I figured Jon was looking down and having a hay day seeing me cry, because as most people know I do not like to cry in front of anyone. His roommate then came over and introduced himself and talked to me for a while. I mentioned how I had been trying to get a hold of Jon for a while and was going to ask them how I could get a hold of my old friend since I knew he was close with her. He asked who? I gave her name and he's like yeah her picture is up there and I was like I must have missed it. So I went to look at the pictures while he got a peice of paper. There was recent pic of her, which she looked a little different then the last time I saw her. Then there was the picture from my junior homecoming of her, Margo, Jon me, and two other people. I had been looking for that picture so I give it to his family. I didn't remember giving it to him. I guess I did or I gave it to her and she gave it to them. Well Jon's roommate gave me her phone number, and me being stupid I gave her mom home address and not my college address.

I still haven't called her phone number. I really want to too, but I'm not really a phone person. I wish I had the guts to call but I don't. She was the best friend I ever had and probably every will have. I'd give anything to have that frienship back, or to even have another friendship like that, but I think I've already blew my chances. If she is reading this, which I highly doubt she is, I have something I really want to say. You were the best friend I've ever had and you gave me some hope and I had a lot of fun and maybe one day we can have that friendship again hopefully, and I still keep my promises so if you come out to Cali I got your back.


"Do Well And Doubt Not"